I knew my life was wasting away… I was tired of the feeling of guilt… – Anonymous.

Because of the sensitivity of this story, the writer has pleaded to remain anonymous.
I took my 2 years old nephew (or rather younger brother, he wasn’t really a relative though but lived with us) to the room and started rubbing his thing against mine.
I started masturbating “officially” at the age of 11, yes you heard me well. Perhaps puberty came too fast and I was not prepared to handle all the mumbo jumbo emotions that came with the
development of my body. No you are wrong if you thought I was exposed to pornographic movies/magazines at an early age, I wasn’t. I never knew what sex was, never knew any of those things.
I remember being molested by my step brother. Actually nobody took it seriously as it was always a thing to joke about anytime the topic was brought up. Growing up didn’t change the circumstance. My bad habit grew with me. I would do the “mama papa play” with my sister. We would hide things (keys) in our panties and each person would take turns to look for it.
It was a cool Wednesday evening, everyone went about their business. The day seemed to be cool, except for me. Wednesdays were for bible study and where would you expect that I would be if not in church. There was this “cool” (or maybe not, what’s the opposite of cool?) girl in the choir who sat close to me that evening. She was a year or 2 younger than I was (“I senior her” in Nigerian English). I was 11 then which means she was probably 9 or 10.  I saw myself running my hands through her thighs for whatever reason I can’t understand and that was it. I gave her the license to violate me. Every time in church usually after service, she would take me to the back of the church and start rubbing her body against mine vigorously. I never knew what we were doing even though it felt good. I knew it was wrong because she would always take me to a quiet place (back of the church). This continued for however long till she eventually left the church for good or so I thought. She left a void in me that I wanted more. I had same encounters with some other girls in my school, church, compound, wherever.
I wanted to speak up, I was tired of feeling what I felt; guilt, low self-esteem, but I couldn’t. Besides how could I have spoken up when my mum was a “tigress”? There was no one I could talk to, I was dying in silence. I told God I wanted to stop it, I would tell God “if I do this again let me die” as if it was in my own will power to stop it. Immediately before it happened again I would tell God “just this one more time LORD”. I would think that since this habit wasn’t as a result of the love of money then I wasn’t doing anything evil (love of money is the root of all evil shey?). Somehow I knew everything was wrong.
I was 15, finally found the word for what I was doing all these while. “Masturbation” they called it. I wanted to quit but I couldn’t.
I knew my life was wasting away, I hated myself, I hated my sister, I hated my mum, I hated everyone around me, I hated God.
Everything is different now, I am healing, what has changed? A lot.
I came to realise that God loved me even while I was drifting away, He knew me before he formed me, he had a plan for my life (certainly not this), and all I needed to do was to accept his love.
Today, I am free from hate, free from guilt. I have forgiven everyone who hurt me, I see a bright future ahead of me. I realised that even if I fall, each time he gives me strength to rise again. I ain’t giving upon this, I WILL RISE, I WILL BE FREE.
Dear teen girl,
Are you being molested? Have u been raped? Do you feel you can’t speak up probably because no one would believe you or mum is a “tigress” like mine was? Yea I know how you feel; tired of your present state, the feeling of guilt won’t go away. I’d encourage you to speak up, get help. Sin thrives in secrecy, break the silence and don’t let anything or anyone stop you.
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Till next time, remain at the TOP.
Let other teenagers know about this.